And if that's too harsh, let's just say 'silly stuff'...or normal stuff....or 'what else is new' stuff.
What we are talking about here is simple human frailty...the natural tendency of human beings to err, to misunderstand, or misinterpret what it is they see or hear as what they sense is passed, inevitably, through their own idiosyncratic filters. Those filters color outcomes. They nudge our understanding left or right, good or bad, according to our own fears, desires, and biases. We see through a glass darkly.
And if, what we see, offends us – and we’re 5 -- we cry & complain: "Charlie 'bit' me!", or "Charlie hurt my feelings"! But then Mom shows-up...gives us a hug & kiss, and makes it all better! We laugh, and return to the Sandbox to play some more with that villain, Charlie.
In the Hyper-Sensitive Now, though.... If we're 25...or 35....or more... and our feelings are hurt by some grown-up Charlie (playing in a totally different sandbox) .... we pout, & point & yell, "Microaggression!" Or sometimes, "Racism!" Or sometimes "Sexism....or Classism....or Ableism... or Misogyny!" And in this down-the-rabbit-hole, World of Woke there is no ‘kissing it & making it better’, there’s only outrage, retribution, cancellation, apology tours, punishment, and – if we’re lucky – the chance to go to ReEducation Camps, make confession, and ask for forgiveness from a roomful of Charlies.
The fear of the New Gestapo, knocking at our door, keeps us all silent.
“I was so afraid to tell her that her hair was beautiful, because then it would be seen as a white-black thing.” So what?
The question is: Are we all 5 again?
Or do we simply assume that the Other is always 5...and will cry and complain and demand retribution if – in any particular sandbox – their feelings are hurt by some invisible something they’ve imagined?
Do we really want to live in a world in which everything we say or do must be second-guessed, avoided, or muted for fear of tender toes?
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment.
And sometimes we really should grant to the Other the very real possibility that they, too, are an adult and long past the outraged tantrum stage.
What then are we to do?
Speak honestly. Speak forthrightly. Exercise some common sense. Be courteous. Act like a gentleman. Act like a lady. Expect to be treated accordingly. Avoid conniption fits. Treat people with dignity (as you yourself would like to be treated). Be kind. Be generous. And please feel free to grant the Other the benefit of the doubt, as you would hope they equally grant you.
And if some idiot, in a huff, then decides to attach some abstruse & insulting meaning to a compliment....a phrase...a look...a gesture...a question... If some idiot insists that your words contain a meaning that is not there, that was not intended....then that is their idiot problem, not yours. Laugh, shake your head, ignore them and walk away.
It’s long past time we all grow up.
And being grown-up, if someone tells us, “Your hair is beautiful!”, just say “Thank-you!”. It’s really pretty simple.
Excellent comment. I would say that I am getting to the point if someone was put-out by a genuine compliment or friendly question I would be tempted to tell them to bugger off. Laughing and walking away is more polite, maybe.
But you bring up an idea that someone well-known and regarded once said-"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Regardless of all the hullabaloo about who's oppressed and who's privileged, I don't see how you can go wrong with this credo.
"Terence, this is stupid stuff".
And if that's too harsh, let's just say 'silly stuff'...or normal stuff....or 'what else is new' stuff.
What we are talking about here is simple human frailty...the natural tendency of human beings to err, to misunderstand, or misinterpret what it is they see or hear as what they sense is passed, inevitably, through their own idiosyncratic filters. Those filters color outcomes. They nudge our understanding left or right, good or bad, according to our own fears, desires, and biases. We see through a glass darkly.
And if, what we see, offends us – and we’re 5 -- we cry & complain: "Charlie 'bit' me!", or "Charlie hurt my feelings"! But then Mom shows-up...gives us a hug & kiss, and makes it all better! We laugh, and return to the Sandbox to play some more with that villain, Charlie.
In the Hyper-Sensitive Now, though.... If we're 25...or 35....or more... and our feelings are hurt by some grown-up Charlie (playing in a totally different sandbox) .... we pout, & point & yell, "Microaggression!" Or sometimes, "Racism!" Or sometimes "Sexism....or Classism....or Ableism... or Misogyny!" And in this down-the-rabbit-hole, World of Woke there is no ‘kissing it & making it better’, there’s only outrage, retribution, cancellation, apology tours, punishment, and – if we’re lucky – the chance to go to ReEducation Camps, make confession, and ask for forgiveness from a roomful of Charlies.
The fear of the New Gestapo, knocking at our door, keeps us all silent.
“I was so afraid to tell her that her hair was beautiful, because then it would be seen as a white-black thing.” So what?
The question is: Are we all 5 again?
Or do we simply assume that the Other is always 5...and will cry and complain and demand retribution if – in any particular sandbox – their feelings are hurt by some invisible something they’ve imagined?
Do we really want to live in a world in which everything we say or do must be second-guessed, avoided, or muted for fear of tender toes?
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment.
And sometimes we really should grant to the Other the very real possibility that they, too, are an adult and long past the outraged tantrum stage.
What then are we to do?
Speak honestly. Speak forthrightly. Exercise some common sense. Be courteous. Act like a gentleman. Act like a lady. Expect to be treated accordingly. Avoid conniption fits. Treat people with dignity (as you yourself would like to be treated). Be kind. Be generous. And please feel free to grant the Other the benefit of the doubt, as you would hope they equally grant you.
And if some idiot, in a huff, then decides to attach some abstruse & insulting meaning to a compliment....a phrase...a look...a gesture...a question... If some idiot insists that your words contain a meaning that is not there, that was not intended....then that is their idiot problem, not yours. Laugh, shake your head, ignore them and walk away.
It’s long past time we all grow up.
And being grown-up, if someone tells us, “Your hair is beautiful!”, just say “Thank-you!”. It’s really pretty simple.
Excellent comment. I would say that I am getting to the point if someone was put-out by a genuine compliment or friendly question I would be tempted to tell them to bugger off. Laughing and walking away is more polite, maybe.
But you bring up an idea that someone well-known and regarded once said-"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Regardless of all the hullabaloo about who's oppressed and who's privileged, I don't see how you can go wrong with this credo.