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Peter Thomas Wendell's avatar

OK Glenn. I get where you're coming from, but it seems to me that we can't move forward towards a society in which "race" and the weight of history don't limit our ability to trust in each other's good intentions unless we are willing to risk potentially fraught encounters. Perhaps it's corny, but I don't see any other way to build a better future except through one genuine conversation at a time even when it is difficult and when our good intentions may be called into question. It isn't so much a matter of color blindness as it is committing ourselves to look at the person in front of us at the moment as they are and sharing with them our honest thoughts, emotions, experiences, etc. while remaining open to theirs. Someone needs to walk across the aisle, offer their hand and make a joke risking that it will fall flat or even cause unintended offense. The hope is that more often than not we will manage to connect on a basic level and walk away from the encounter feeling good about ourselves and our new aquantance. What else is there that we can all do?

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BDarn1's avatar

"Terence, this is stupid stuff".

And if that's too harsh, let's just say 'silly stuff'...or normal stuff....or 'what else is new' stuff.

What we are talking about here is simple human frailty...the natural tendency of human beings to err, to misunderstand, or misinterpret what it is they see or hear as what they sense is passed, inevitably, through their own idiosyncratic filters. Those filters color outcomes. They nudge our understanding left or right, good or bad, according to our own fears, desires, and biases. We see through a glass darkly.

And if, what we see, offends us – and we’re 5 -- we cry & complain: "Charlie 'bit' me!", or "Charlie hurt my feelings"! But then Mom shows-up...gives us a hug & kiss, and makes it all better! We laugh, and return to the Sandbox to play some more with that villain, Charlie.

In the Hyper-Sensitive Now, though.... If we're 25...or 35....or more... and our feelings are hurt by some grown-up Charlie (playing in a totally different sandbox) .... we pout, & point & yell, "Microaggression!" Or sometimes, "Racism!" Or sometimes "Sexism....or Classism....or Ableism... or Misogyny!" And in this down-the-rabbit-hole, World of Woke there is no ‘kissing it & making it better’, there’s only outrage, retribution, cancellation, apology tours, punishment, and – if we’re lucky – the chance to go to ReEducation Camps, make confession, and ask for forgiveness from a roomful of Charlies.

The fear of the New Gestapo, knocking at our door, keeps us all silent.

“I was so afraid to tell her that her hair was beautiful, because then it would be seen as a white-black thing.” So what?

The question is: Are we all 5 again?

Or do we simply assume that the Other is always 5...and will cry and complain and demand retribution if – in any particular sandbox – their feelings are hurt by some invisible something they’ve imagined?

Do we really want to live in a world in which everything we say or do must be second-guessed, avoided, or muted for fear of tender toes?

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment.

And sometimes we really should grant to the Other the very real possibility that they, too, are an adult and long past the outraged tantrum stage.

What then are we to do?

Speak honestly. Speak forthrightly. Exercise some common sense. Be courteous. Act like a gentleman. Act like a lady. Expect to be treated accordingly. Avoid conniption fits. Treat people with dignity (as you yourself would like to be treated). Be kind. Be generous. And please feel free to grant the Other the benefit of the doubt, as you would hope they equally grant you.

And if some idiot, in a huff, then decides to attach some abstruse & insulting meaning to a compliment....a phrase...a look...a gesture...a question... If some idiot insists that your words contain a meaning that is not there, that was not intended....then that is their idiot problem, not yours. Laugh, shake your head, ignore them and walk away.

It’s long past time we all grow up.

And being grown-up, if someone tells us, “Your hair is beautiful!”, just say “Thank-you!”. It’s really pretty simple.

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